He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
