On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
