I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
did you just send me my own nude
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Who died my cat blue again?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
