Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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