Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
