I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
