I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
