i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
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