love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
