the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
