I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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