Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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