I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
