i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Randomize
