I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
