i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
50% drunk capacity currently
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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