He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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