I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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