The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
