And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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