do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
