he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
