my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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