i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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