we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
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