You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Randomize
