at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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