I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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