theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Randomize
