dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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