I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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