our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Randomize
