I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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