when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
