god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
