you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
