I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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