i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
