If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
