Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
