I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
