I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Drake has all the answers
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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