I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize