you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Randomize
