god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
