I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
