I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
