not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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