at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
