Buhtt sex?
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
