I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Michael Bay diarrhea
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
