4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
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