I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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