Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
