Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
