Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
There's always time for handjobs
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
