Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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