But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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