I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
